Shot at & missed and shit at & hit...

(I never promised this would always be a "work-safe" blog...)

Pthargh. Just when you think you've got enough on your plate, someone just has to toss something else on. As I've heard before; "I know God doesn't give me more than He thinks I can handle, but I sometimes wish He didn't trust me so much."

Case in point:

For the last eight years or so, I've been taking care of my mother-in-law (those of you who know me personally already know how I feel about that.) I've been doing this without help from pretty much anyone (save my wife - she's been wonderful about the whole thing!) and for not even thanks from anyone else (my brother-in-law wouldn't even acknowledge that I was doing much of anything for the first five or six years - by then it was too little, too late - and I spend most of my time being bitched at by my mother-in-law.)

I've probably been doing the job too well - logistics, medical decisions, and all - according to her pulmonologist and cardiologist, I've added something like five years to her life (and I was told this a couple of years ago.)

What problems have I been trying to manage? Let's see:
- End-stage emphysema
- Asthma
- Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disorder (COPD)
- Obstructive Sleep Apnea (OSA)
- Hiatal Hernia
- Antral Gastritis, Severe
- Gastric Ulcer, Healed
- Osteoporosis
- Urinary Incontinence
- Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS)
- Congestive Heart Failure (CHF)
- Atrial Fibrillation (a. fib)
- And more that I can't remember offhand and some that I can hardly pronounce or spell easily.

This takes up, typically, between thirty and sixty hours a week of my time. Most of it is spent in logistics and organisation (with my own CRS from a fairly recent brain trauma, this means that I must write everything down. The number of notepads I go through is amazing...) Thirty to sixty hours, naturally, does not include trips to the ER (I just took her in again on 07OCT - I thought it was a cardiac event, but it was bilateral pneumonia. Again.)

I have a 1" ring binder that I carry with me whenever I have to take her to a doctor's appointment. I have a pair of 4" ring binders on the shelf in my home office for the detailed records - the 1" binder is merely a summation and ready reference. It also contains the current precis that I maintain for trips to the ER - instead of answering all of the questions, I simply hand them a copy of the precis for their chart and call it done - I can always print another one should I need it.

The precis? That's the short-short form - all of her medications (well over a dozen, plus dosing strength and interval, why prescribed, and by whom,) her extant medical conditions (plenty of those,) copies of her insurance cards (they can then scan them at will,) hospitalisation history, surgical history, and a list of physicians and emergency contact information. I've been told I maintain these records quite well - but that's as much for my own benefit (recall the CRS I mentioned? CRS = Can't Remember Shit. I've been hit in the head entirely too many times in this lifetime, I've long since stopped counting concussions...) as theirs. Drug allergies and contraindications are atop and down bottom of every page in red as well.

My wife has expressed her appreciation for what I do (and she doesn't mind that I'm rather dispassionate about it. If I got emotionally invested, I'd have gotten exhausted much sooner than I have...) Our boys appreciate all of the work I do.

But, I'm doing what is essentially my brother-in-law's job, and I don't get a "Hi" or "Go to Hell" or anything for the first five or six years. Wha?

She recently stayed out with them - only because we (my wife and I) had to put them on the spot for it. She stayed out there for seven months, and saw a doctor (cardiopulmonologist) three times. Out here, it's about every six weeks (if not more) - and that's just for one specialist! We also see the gastroenterologist roughly quarterly, and the cardiologist semi-annually. The podiatrist (yep - she has feet trouble) sees her annually. The urologist roughly semi-annually as well.

And I have a very good working relationship with these doctors. I've had to remind their office staff that I'm not an MD in my own right (I've just associated with them entirely too much, and I speak the language well enough to leave an RN in the dust once I get going,) I'm just a man with a lot of practical experience.

After she came back from visiting her son for seven months, it took me two months to undo everything he'd done (and screwed up...) and she was immediately ill on arrival. Bugger.

My wife and I were talking to her, and we figured out why we had to deal with her being ill - again! - instead of Mike. Why? Because she was afraid to get sick out there - primarily because of his wife. She knows that I may get annoyed with her for getting herself sick again (which is often the literal truth - if she'd listen to me, she wouldn't get so damned sick all the time...) but I'll still see to it and get her taken care of. I'll still sit the twelve-hour ER vigil until she gets admitted. I'll still talk to the doctors and nurses down in ER to get everything to happen.

I may be tired of it, and hate every damned minute of it, but I still do it.

OK, this blog post is probably the most vitriol I'll express in a while. But, dammit, I've needed to do this. It's either this, or I go back to two packs of Luckies a day...

So, now, here's the question. Or "the crux of the biscuit," to borrow from Frank Zappa:

- Does anyone out there consider it wrong that I've finally given up on doing this for anything altruistic, and being about to demand getting paid for what I've been doing?

Mike didn't want to help before because I "wasn't working full time" (because I was spending all of my time taking care of his mother.) I was indeed working full time - I'm pretty much "on call" all 168 hours of every week! I'm just not getting paid for it, so I can't help pay the bills.

I don't want money from my wife - we can't spare it anyhow (we're getting clobbered with medical bills of our own, plus all of the electric for keeping the MIL's medical gear running, plus the fuel for running her about.) I don't want the MIL's money - she's got to fork over enough as it is for her medical, insurance, and upkeep. I want Mike's money - mainly because he's done fuck-all to help so far. Five hundred a month for the past eight years - as back pay - plus five hundred a month ongoing isn't so bad. Considering how many people he'd have to hire to replace me in everything I do, he's getting off awfully light! Although, that $48k up-front payout for back pay is going to smart - but he can live without goodies for a bit (if he's so damned broke, why does he have a 50" Plasma screen in his living room, while we don't even have a TV in ours? Why does he have two relatively new vehicles, while my wife and I share one? Hmm... Sounds like someone's been pissing away money of late - he and his wife both work, their cost of living is less than half of ours, but they never have any damned money...)

So, it's a question for all of you. Am I out of line here? Am I being needlessly mercenary? Or, perhaps, am I not wanting enough? If you've an opinion, I'd love to hear it! If you've got questions about what I spend most of my time doing, I'll do what I can to answer them.

JDK